I Am Not Cured!

Day 601.

I’ve recorded the audio book. 34,000 words in 2 hits.

I’ve worked and worked on the layout design for the book. \\\\\I need it to be visually easy so that the words can be inhaled effortlessly from the pages, for reading is often a challenge when you are in trauma.

I have taken all the technical challenges of preparing and downloading the book to Amazon KDP, thanks to late nights with my angel Martin Turner on YouTube.

I’ve pushed myself through technical issues that I would not have thought I could, and now I am back here at the table, where I wrote those words and cried and called for Luke - because once more I am at an impasse. Lost and broken, as I suppose I always am, under my high-functioning alter ego, journaling, crying and in pain.

But was I not cured?

Yes, I flew at a moments notice to Zurich to be at his side for surgery, snapped into my former self, high functioning and clear.

Yes, I spoke all the languages in my arsenal, stayed with a family who I did not know before and made a new friend in the Mother.

Yes, I returned feeling cured, restored.

But as suspected, because Luke is still dead, underneath it all, I am still broken.

“The best mother to the living and the dead.” George wrote on my Mother’s day card - and how that touched me. How that gave me the much needed confirmation that I am being all that I sought to be.

Days off from grieving, to get shit done, means I have a backlog of grieving to do. I will have to do it at some point.

And today it is.