Crystal Marie, Noreen's Girl

Crystal Marie was my only child, my pride and joy.

She was born Wednesday February 16,1983. She was 21-1/2” long and weighed 8.lbs 2 oz.

At 3 months pregnant and only 10 months married I called it quits. I left my ex husband, Crystal’s biological father after physical abuse and hospital trips. I know I wasn’t bringing up my baby in this abuse and I never looked back.

Crystal and I started our life together... my sweet baby girl and me, it wasn’t easy but we were strong. A team.

Our songs were: You and me Against the World by Helen Reddy and Color my World by Chicago.

Crystal was a beautiful baby. She was a ham, a little showman and social butterfly. She was colorful, funny, smart and pretty! She had it all.

There was even something very special about her too. People were drawn to her. She always made everyone feel important and special and she really did care, she deeply cared about people. She was always protective of the less fortunate or the “underdog.” She defended what she thought was right over wrong. She really had a beautiful, great heart. She was a bright light and left an afterglow of her infectious spirit everywhere she went. It followed her throughout her life.

Weeks before Crystal’s 8th Birthday, I met a great guy who soon would adopt her and raise her as his own. He loved her very much. They grew to be very close and had an exceptionally great relationship. She absolutely adored him, called him Dad, loved and admired him beyond words. And he was her biggest fan (after me).

We all had a great life. We lived life, loved life...good times, God, even went to church regularly, each having our own relationship with Jesus.

In high school Crystal started dabbling in alcohol, then adding Xanax bars to that, and that soon became a problem. We started to have lots of situations and bad things happen....

Frank, the Dad she adored was a long time in recovery, very active in AA, and began taking her to meetings with him. With 21 years clean and sober he still always made at least 1 meeting a week. She loved it and started actively going for about a year. She was clean and doing great! Fast fit...a couples trade schools... to become an aesthetician, make up and micro pigmentation (permanent make up).

She was doing great...Soon she got a job.... then fell in love... Soon got married and started having babies.

Slowly she stopped going to meetings.

Crystal had a beautiful life. Wonderful caring husband who truly loved her. She focused on her family and her husband. He worked very hard and grew a very successful business. They had everything, a life people dreamed of. Friends, family, love, faith and support.

Crystal became pregnant with twins. A boy and a girl. We were all so very happy. Crystal had a very difficult pregnancy and the babies were born extremely premature. They were born just under 22 weeks. Very rare to survive such a premature birth. They were, just 1 pound, and the other just over 2 pounds.

My grandson survived while Angelica her daughter passed away several hours after birth. This was very hard on all of us, but especially my daughter. Nino (her son Antonino) being the premie he was, needed lots of 24 hour personal and hands on care. Crystal practically lived at the NICU.

Meanwhile we had to have a funeral for Angelica and that was soul crushing.. that little baby casket. I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing a child...

Nino was finally released from the hospital after 3.5 months in the NICU.

He was still so premature, even at home he was still hooked up to a heart monitor, lung monitor and was given high doses of steroids. He pooped into a colonoscopy bag instead of a diaper, because he had part of his intestine removed at 1 month old. We had a nurse come in daily for a few weeks to help with things too. It was so hard but Crystal was so strong, I really admired her strength.

Crystal was the best mother ever! She never left his side, day or night.

She was so dedicated, loving and nurturing with him, she was so very proud of him and I was so very proud of her. He was a beautiful baby boy getting healthier every day. She did everything for him and with him, walks, shopping, mommy and me activities...she would find things they could be involved in together for personal interaction. Crystal was crazy in love with her son, and she was his Mommy. They would laugh and giggle and do fun, silly, goofy things....they were very animated those two.

Life was finally getting “good” again and more relaxed after so much stress.

I never ever realized she was struggling with anything and never thought she would use drugs again. She was such an awesome Mom, wife, daughter and friend. She had the most beautiful caring heart and and infectious laugh that drew all people in.

I just never knew... I never dreamed...

When Nino was 6 yrs old Crystal’s Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Soon she began using again, even taking some of her Dads Oxys. I learned about her relapse one month after her Dad. No one wanted to tell me about Crystal’s problem because I was already dealing with caring for my dying husband.

I learned of it and said we would get through it and conquer it together. I truly believed that. I knew with my Faith, positive outlook on life, support of so many great family and friends, we would be ok.

And...

The demon was real. The struggle was real!

Fast forward...7 years....

A dozen different treatment centers...locally and out of state. Detox centers, Marchman Acts, Baker Acts and more. Not only was her life spinning out of control, but so was mine and everyone who loved her too. All being pulled, tossed and torn by an evil force more powerful than anything I have ever known. Taking us to places we could have never dreamed of. The chaos, stress, frustration and fear, was beyond comprehension.

I was the owner and operator of a beautiful business, which was my dream and passion for years. I put my heart, soul, blood, sweat and tears into this passion and into keep my business alive and thriving. It was a great and very special store. All of this while trying to “save” my beautiful daughter from this demonic demon which now controlled her like nothing I have ever seen. I would leave my store with others while I ran around doing the chaotic dance we get sucked into. I did everything I could and more, exhausting ever resource, time, energy and money I could. Finally I found a faith based place in California and I knew in my heart of hearts this was it, she was going to get it this time and be an awesome testimony! Helping others for God’s glory.

I flew out to California to see her get her 90 day chip. I was so proud of her. She looked great, sounded great, she said and did all the right things. I was on cloud nine! This was the beginning of October.

She had the longest amount of clean time she ever had, that I knew of, in the last 7 years. The picture below in pink... with our big beautiful happy smiles....was the night she picked up 90 days.

I flew home... life was good! I was back and happy running my business which I absolutely loved...she was safe and even had a job working in treatment.

The holidays were coming and she desperately wanted to come home. I told her I didn’t think she was ready and that I would fly out again to see her and we will have a great Christmas!!

Unbeknownst to me, Crystal told other people she was going to fly home and surprise me for Thanksgiving... I learned of this the day before on November 22, 2017 about 4-5 hours after she arrived here in Fort Lauderdale. When I found out she was back in Florida I instantly panicked...although she was doing great, I didn’t think she was ready. I didn’t have a good feeling. She can’t come back here!!!

I immediately started calling and texting her unable to reach her. I was a nervous wreck.... calls after calls with no avail. Almost just like the old days of active addiction... I was a mess, I knew in my heart this was not good.

That evening, I was with my parents and two of my girlfriends. As we were finished getting ready to leave, my phone rang, it was a detective asking if I was Mrs. D’Onofrio, Crystal V——‘s Mom? I said yes, she said she needed to see me in person... my heart dropped but I still didn’t put it together... I said, “did she relapse again?” The detective replied, “I guess you could say that”.

We made arrangements to meet at my store, of all places, I took my parents home and my two friends and I proceeded to my store to meet the detective. I was shaking and a nervous wreck and still never thought the worst...I just didn’t...

I pulled up to my business only to see three deputies standing in front of the door. We went in and that is when I learned my beautiful daughter and only child had passed away. That very day.

She was found in a bathroom in a condo in Pompano Beach, deceased from a heroin overdose.

That was by far the worst day of my life, as you can’t breathe, move, literally shocked, even though I always knew it was a possibility. I cried and cried and screamed and cried. She made it back home, but none of us would ever see her again.

I felt like my life was over and honestly, I didn’t want to go on anymore myself... how could I?

We had her service... celebration of life...

The day after, I got in my car and drove to our home in the North Georgia mountains. I stayed there almost 2 weeks, grieving. Talking to, questioning and screaming at the God, Crystal ....

On about the 7th day, it snowed like this Florida girl never gets to see and after 3 solid days of snow... the snow melted all around the property, except for one very special spot in the top of a cedar tree, in the back yard. I looked over the railing and right in front of me, for only me to see, was the most beautiful gift I have ever received (other than my daughter herself) it was a perfect - A heart of snow. It was just there, so on spot and perfectly made... it was so very beautiful.

I was in awwwww, I cried, I smiled, I laughed out loud... It was a sign I so desperately needed. A true and obvious, absolute miracle; just for me. I know it was from my beautiful Crystal. She always signed every note or card to me with a heart for love in ‘i you’. It was no doubt, from my girl!

That heart gave me a peace I needed at that very moment (and as more time goes on) and a smile every time I see it. Crystal just had that kind of heart, an unconditional love for people and it was infectious.

She’s with other family and most specifically her daughter and her Dad now. I know they’re all laughing and carrying on. Some days, oddly I even feel as if I hear them laughing at me or with me. The feeling is very real. My beautiful Crystal continues to send me hearts...unexpectedly... I see it and I smile.

Rest In Peace my sweet angel.

Soon I returned home, because life does go on and I had a business to run. I went back to work after being out for over 3 weeks.

When I returned I had a very hard time working with people... even seeing them. I didn’t want to see anyone.

I had my very first panic attack that paralyzed me in my tracks. Rapid heartbeat, sweating and not being able to move. Like a fear over me that I had never experienced before. I would end up having them regularly for about a month.

I would hide in my office and cry constantly... I couldn’t bare to see or talk to people.

I was not the same and as the weeks and months went by, it became obvious to me that this store, my passion and dream, was no longer my heart’s desire. I just couldn’t. My spirit was gone. My heart was changing and being directed down a different path.

I felt lead to a different calling...

I would now begin to share my story, with the world as a type of journaling ...my feelings out loud. Sharing daily on FB my life, and feelings... as I shared in the past about her active addiction, and my feelings and experiences for years. I shared ...with her permission... she would say it’s ok Mom, if you feel it’s helping you and helping others, it’s ok with me.

As I shared, people would message me saying I was helping them. They would share their stories with me. Or say that my reality was their fear. Active addicts would tell me I was helping them by sharing my pain...and story. They were seeing things from a (their) Mom’s painful perspective. I received letters at my business from people I didn’t even know...

The reaction from people became overwhelming as my path was being paved..

My new calling in life was being defined more and more every day. The girls in my store were in awe, as people would come in my store to meet me. People even from other states that followed my story would come in and hug me and want photos with me. It was apparent something so beyond me was making things happen in such as obvious way.

My daughter put a new purpose in my lap and I was being led to help others, something I always prayed she would do.

Be it Angel Moms, active addicts or helping addicts in recovery from relapse, I found myself sharing my story ... the testimony I thought Crystal would tell, I am now telling our story for us. Her face, my voice....we will try to help others with our sad but very meaningful testimony.

Mentoring, supporting and encouraging others affected by the disease of addiction. This is my new purpose in life as I try to enjoy my life too. It’s the only way I can make her life and more importantly death have any purpose.

So, my boyfriend and I bought a 40’ RV. A beautiful home on wheels (for now) and we have decided to close both of our businesses and travel the country and share our story. I have shared our story at a few treatment centers and been invited to share our story at different places in the country...

We will share anywhere...12 step meetings, churches, schools, synagogues, hospitals, halfway houses.... If we can incorporate them into our travels, we will. This is our retirement trip, enjoying our life and hoping to make a difference in others lives along the way...I’ve been around the rooms of AA, NA and Al-Anon for over 20 years.

WE WANT our bus (RV) to be, in a way, a support and recovery on wheels...Trying desperately to change this monster stigma attached to our beautiful and handsome angels...Reaching out to active addicts, addicts in recovery and families of Angels...going where God leads us. Hoping and praying we can help save lives (a tool for God) and plant seeds... We will love on and encourage people in pain and those still in active addiction wanting help.

Also we try to share about more positive memories before addiction as we support one another at the same time. The Good Times Remembered FB page.

The Crystal Heart House and retreat will also be coming soon. A beautiful place in the mountains where Angel parents can get together, to meet in person for emotional support, love and understanding. Only we can really relate.

Thank you for hearing our story, we are just one small grain of many and while we are living with a horrific life sentence, we must learn how to live and know we are deserving of a life with joy once again.

Peace and love to all.

Noreen D’Onofrio, Crystal’s Mom.