Cheated

Day 1205.

My sister spoke of the untimely death of her mother in law.

Jackie knew she was going to die. She was younger than I am now. She had told my sister that she felt cheated. She was.

She had seen both her sons marry and had met her granddaughter, but didn’t live to see the following three. She didn’t get to see them grow into the amazing women that they are.

At the time I sat silently as my Mother and sister discussed the tragic loss of the woman Luke affectionately called ‘Blue Jackie’. Tears welled up as I thought of how that vibrant powerhouse of a woman was cheated, but also how I was cheated, not how Luke was cheated, but me.

I don’t get to see him anymore.

I have no notion of what I have missed.

Would it have been a dark struggle with drugs?

Would it have been him finding happiness?

Would it have been a white knuckle ride to witness his fight to stay sober?

Would I have always been anxious that he would fall?

Would I have always lived in dread of THAT phone call?

THAT call that I had?

Living with a child caught in substance use issues is dark. Living with the death of your child, is too?

Looking at it from where I am now is just one big centrifuge of images. Some good. Some bad. It can make you insane. But this way - there’s no hope. Is it the hope that kills you?

Either way, we are all cheated. Cheated of having him in our lives with whatever that brings.