Longing for Better Times

Day 1225.

I long for a time long gone when my boys were small.

There’s a photo by my bedside of exactly where I want to be. Enveloped with my babies, lying in white sheets, a newborn George by my breast and a striped onesie’d Luke sleeping beside us.

I can still smell them.

I know, I have written it before, but it is still so strong within me.

My therapist thinks it’s because it was a time when I could keep them safe. And yet, Gidi was small when he died, not yet 5 and Jesse couldn’t keep it from happening. All the fucking life jackets, car seats, sunscreen and the purest of love .........and still Gidi dances with Luke. So it’s not that.

It’s just that it was a better time.

A time before the drugs, before the.......shit!

I want my bestriped baby back.