My Brain is Mush

Day 1143.

Nothing Fucking Works.

I can’t make anything work.
I’m making prototypes for an alternative holiday card.
I muscled through the new technology to create the cutout & I managed it.
I added a simple step to print made with lukelove in red.
A new challenge that with the help of YouTube I accomplished, navigating unfamiliar software, then dropped it into familiar software and printed a perfect test on my crappy printer - Perfect!

Out came the fancy printer, the one I always use for all my professional work and ...BOOM!
It wouldn’t do it right!
And my world came apart!

George came to my rescue and sorted it in Photoshop.

You’d think that was a success, but I felt like everything, yes, everything I could formerly accomplish with confidence was gone!

I can no longer say “Oh, I will do that for you” because I no longer know for certain that I can.
It’s like having a dodgy knee that you can lean on some days and not others 

I may offer to do something that I have done a million times with ease and grace and then that dodgy-knee brain may kick in and I’m fucked!

Computer things are tough for me in my grief - passwords elude me- technical difficulties choke me and bring me to my knees.

I try to be self-sufficient.

I am impatient and work odd hours and in the past that succeeds best if I rely on myself.
Now that I can no longer rely on myself - I am fucked.

I miss the coma that I struggled so hard to come out of.
Is that catatonic state my new home - my north?

Like an Alzheimer’s sufferer I need a notebook around my neck so that as an idea, a notion, or a missing item flashes up in my brain, I can instantly write it down before I forget it and work through that list at a more convenient time, that’s if I can remember that I have stuck my pencil in my ponytail!

And so, I have drafted a list of what I need to settle my brain.

It hasn’t always been the case. Since Luke died (ooh that’s still tough to write) - I have been in awe of my ability to retain information, appointments, the location of various items. Despite my password challenges I managed to design and publish my Year 1 journal, and the audiobook - but now that ability is gone.

A wave of distracting grief is upon me.
I will need help going forward.