Does it help?

“Your work? Does it help? Does it make you feel better?” they ask.

I have dedicated my life, for now, to training people how to reverse an opioid overdose and to providing companionship to Mothers who find themselves where I am or where I have been.

I wrangle the bureaucracy of running a non profit haunted by the modern frustration of myriad passwords.

I spend my days speaking of the very moment that did not happen for my Luke
and my nights researching the ever shifting landscape of the illicit drug market, keeping abreast of legislation, policy and law suits whilst preparing props for our trainings.
I am constantly steeped in the mechanics of Luke’s death.

I work with my Naloxone Battalion of brilliant teens (the jewel in the lukelove crown) who bravely spread the word, save lives and pack the hundreds of naloxone kits that we give at our trainings.

I speak to the press, I am interviewed, put on panels and respond to requests for comment.

I train the unhoused, the under served communities, the formerly incarcerated, the police, entire schools, social workers, celebrities and families in the fanciest of private homes.

I speak, I listen, I am hugged.
I laugh and often I cry.
I give it all I have.
Perceptions are changed, barriers are broken, stigma is abated, fear is assuaged.

I track the numbers we have trained.
I track the lives we have saved.

My plan to avenge death is in full swing.

It is a far cry from my life before Luke’s death…
a life of creating perfect calligraphy, bespoke art pieces and lavish events.
But there is a beauty in this work that I never foresaw.
True beauty.

But does it help? Does it make me feel better?
I have a stock answer that doesn’t ring true.

Truth is… NO.

Yes, when I get a notification that a life has been saved it is a triumph.

But it changes nothing.
The saving of others is totally separate to my personal grief.
Nothing changes my ever-present longing for my wonderful boy, Luke.
And I know it is the same for other Mothers.

And THAT is why I do this work.

It’s not as selfless as it sounds.
When I lay me down to die… I want to go out knowing that I did everything in my power to save the hearts of other Mothers, Fathers, Brothers, Sisters, Grandmothers, from what my family endure…
and to make my Luke proud.