A Prison for Him

Day 618.

“This World Was a Prison for Him”

It’s 2:45 AM and I’ve run out of TV to watch. Luke’s Birthday has come and gone and I have been still, silent and internally restless today, emotionally slayed after the past few days.

The book is out and being read by those who know me and Luke and I am praying I did the right thing in speaking such brutally honest truths, in the hope it may help just one soul.

The turmoil in my heart is still here. I can’t settle with Luke’s loss. I accept so much of the wheres and why-fors of Luke’s death. The factual elements of this world as well as the various mediums and psychic’s accounts of the other, are all in agreement, help.

On her way to Luke’s birthday party, Molly had an encounter with a stranger who took her hand and said quite unprompted, “Tell her he’s an angel now.” “He says this world was a prison for him.”

These encounters and reports are all extraordinary but the fact remains that even though he is better off, I miss him so deeply that there really are no words.

The guilt that this life was a prison for him is so pervasive. Why could I not find a way to make that not so? For I have no doubt that it was true…..I can hear him saying it.

I’d so love to see him. I’d so love for all this not to be true. I’d love to have him back - but happy, and not imprisoned.

Was it the drugs that created that prison? Or were they the only way he could free himself? Was he just wired wrong? Was it something I did? Or didn’t?

A Mother’s job is to create a safe and happy space for her child. Why could I not do that?

And so here I am, 20 months on, still searching for what I did wrong.

Our friend Daniel spoke recently about his brush with MKAT, mephedrone, unaware that it was the drug where Luke’s drug use started. Daniel has a totally unaddictive personality, and yet he said that was the drug where he experienced the most extraordinary addictive pull. He felt it’s draw and confesses that he used it more than he wanted to, conscious of it’s grip and swerved it .

Was that particular drug’s grip the reason for Luke’s constant thought of imprisonment, or was it that he was not happy without some substance or other in his body and therein lies imprisonment? Or the lie that his body told him - that drugs made him feel better? Or maybe he did.

But fuck all that. The fact remains, that in his death, I am in constant pain and despite how I may seem. How will I go on with this interminable loss? Am I in that prison now? Will it be so forever?