Imagining I am Dead

Day 535.

I allow myself to imagine what it would be like to be dead. 

I long for it so, but what do I think it would be? What would that look like? What is it I yearn for so?

I sink into those imaginings…

I am lying in a field. The field of my beloved pony Aramis.

In lush grass, pulling the long stalks .

The sun is warm on my skin, a hint of dampness from the soil cools my back.

Luke lies beside me.

He smiles, we are delighted to be together.

We have no place to be, but here.

Aramis grazes at my side.

Pluto, Luke’s horse, at Luke’s.

We chew on long stems of the grass.

Flowers all around us.

Colorful flowers. Ranunculus, peony. Bright colors that do not exist in my monochrome wardrobe.

We are content as we gently chat and laugh.

Somehow I know that this once happened.

I want it so badly to happen again.

This is my safe place. My heaven.

I can recall it at any time. Manifest it.

This is where I will go when I need to be calm.

I don’t need to actually die to go there.