Lost My Way

Day 514.

The everyday weeping is gone, but the feeling that lay underneath it remains.

Without the weeping, there’s no clue to the outside world why I carry myself this way.

The sobbing seems futile.

It gets me nowhere.

Just into a state, I have visited so many times.

Is it the disconnection with Luke (and myself) that stops me weeping?

And so I have lost the route to the trance-like soothing that the sobbing brings me to. A place where I am halfway gone and so halfway to Luke? The meditational state is lost - what now?

Where am I now? 

Stuck in the purgatory state, halfway between my deep grief and halfway to…….to where?

I think only of my new adventure, my riding lesson on Thursday. Will I find Luke there, in my reconnection with horses?

Wandering around in my life looking for something.

Something, I know not yet what it is.

Passing the days till I find it, until I find death and reunion with my lost boy.

I am not a patient person, so this is a time of hardship.

But a false happiness, for me, does not last.