Stuck in Codependence?

Day 527.

I have wept so hard for my lost Luke these past days.

Wept for the carelessness his friends had for him.

Was I the only one interested in his longevity over his party self? Was that wrong of me?

We’ve all lost him now.

As I wept and vocalized this anger and torture that’s eating me away, Adam reminded me that this was the subject of my eulogy.

Luke was MY son and they were careless with him.

This is my truth today, as it was then.

As it was in MY battle to keep him safe in life.

I just can’t give that battle up - even now. Is this codependence?

I’m rather afraid it is. And in my grief, am I codependent still in that, to move forward for a happy life, would be a betrayal?

Am I still banging my head against that same brick wall?

How can I let go now? Is that the goal? 

Fuck!

This is hell.

Except instead of the see-saw of ups and downs while Luke was alive,

It is all down.

I need to feel the up.