What do I do with this Rage?

Day 416.

Just back from therapy.

I thought I had nothing to say, but guess what - I did. I do.

I was stuck, touchy, poisoned.

Should I not be able to recognize this by now?

This is anger, rage, ....and I don’t know where to put it. 

I don’t know where to start. 

To be angry would be to blame. 

I don’t want to lash out. 

What good would that possibly do? 

But I am full of rage. Like a cat, trapped.  

Is this my ‘Black Swan’ emerging? The black swan in me that I fear so?

This anger will not give me what I want. It will never bring Luke back.

To be angry at others is to blame. That is pointless and not the way this is.

To be angry with Luke frightens me. I am afraid that I will scare him away.

Instead I focus my rage on me.

The very thing that I was afraid of, that January day when I agreed to stop testing him, has happened.

I regret that moment. Did I choose wrong?

Was that the very action that killed him?

The desperation drops into my heart, the tears fall and I give way to sobbing as I recall this pivotal moment. I hate myself.

The hell in which I live, I cannot sustain. 

I must be brave and purge my rage to be free of it.

First to purge in private, as it will surely emerge in blame and uncontrollable fury towards those I feel contributed to Luke’s death.

Maybe only after that is out, will I be able to let the anger form into an energy to plough on.

So, who am I angry with?

I will write letters to each and every one of them.

Letters that I will not send, but letters that will send a message to them via the cosmos that they may hear without the impulse to defend, so that they may think differently next time they meet a boy like Luke. 

I may not be right. But that’s not important.

I must purge to save myself.

Let’s start the list.