Human beings / Human doings

Day 1400.

As the months and years roll on, the breach between the grieving and their friends and family widens.

In the beginning people know what to do. But what now?

Luke is still dead and I miss him with all my being.

Covid lockdown has of course not helped, but I think that it is not clear how to help now. I’m not sure even I know.

I led the birthday hurrah with posts on his FB and mine, and of course, his tribute page and mailed the birthday edition badges all over the world in an unspoken plea - Please don’t forget my boy.

Another grieving Mum calls distraught - things are not going well for her. Her own Mother doesn’t get it. She screams and sobs on the phone. No, she’s not the same person she was. No, she isn’t ever going to be.....because her son is dead. I feel her pain. I get it.

“The sooner you accept that you are never going to be the same person - the easier it gets” Billy Bob Thornton told me - and yes, it is true.

It is hard enough for me to accept this - fuck knows how hard it is for those who love me!

But what of those around me?...around my distraught friend? Those who were so great in the early months?

They did all the wonderful things - they brought us coffee, sat with us, shopped for us, fed us, drove us ....... Of course, this is not sustainable for either them ..... or us. So what now?

It would appear that we are all good at the ‘doing’ but not at the ‘being’.

We are human beings, not human doings and yet the ‘being’ is perhaps the hardest part of my grief puzzle and maybe for those around me too. I just can’t work it out.

So to all of you who knew me before Luke died, I am sorry that when you lost your Luke, you lost your Sheila too. I know I have broken the contract by becoming someone else, but Sheila isn’t coming back any more than Luke is - and now the tears fall. I am sorry that I don’t speak of what I am really feeling - yes I am writing most of my feelings here - but in everyday life, I spare you.

Some get it, some just text a heart emoji now and again or call with a message of love. A coffee delivered with a heart drawn on the cup or tales of good fortune attributed to their lukelove badges warm my heart too. I receive these gestures as acknowledgements of my pain and remembrance of Luke, that there’s nothing that can be done- but that they think of me all the same.

Maybe that’s the ‘being’ part - just being with the loss.

Please don’t forget me. I know I am no fun, but I too am struggling with being, now that there is no doing to be done.