I Want What They Don't

Day 1395.

Many days and nights I have felt spared from being the one who found Luke dead.

Mothers who did, recount how they can’t get that image out of their head.

......and yet my brain will not still from imagining just that, yearning for that visual, as I seek the truths that I do not have.

Constantly trying to remember a memory that is not mine.

The very image they are trying to erase is the one I seek.

Either way it is a cause of PTSD.

What was the last thing he saw? Was his body contorted or relaxed? Were there signs of distress or a struggle? Was it the warm orgasmic exit of heroin legend?... and so it goes on.

Yes, I am told, I can request police photographs - but what if I have to hear that they didn’t bother to take them?

Why am I seeking what others long not to have?