If You Think I'm Strong

Day 1152.

So, if you think I am amazing...
If you think I am so strong...
You should know ...

..that this week I have wailed every night. For hours.

Every moment of every day, if I press my hands into my face, or press my face into a towel ...
I sob uncontrollably.
I am on the edge of falling continuously.

It’s 10.30 am and I sit at my desk. 
I can hold it back no more.

I want my Luke back!

The pain is intolerable.

My heart has been heaving for some time now.
But now it blows.
And oh, how hard it blows.

It appears to be a thing. 

Around day 1140 I started to descend, to feel leaden, to break, to detach.

Jesse, Gidi’s Mama, did too. 

She is always 3 weeks ahead of me, not because she’s brilliant, which she really is, but because sweet Gidi died 3 weeks before Luke. 

Is there’s a rhythm to the grief?