Which is More Fucked Up?

Day 1192.

Am I more fucked up when I am sobbing? When I am foetal on the floor?

OR

When I am just going along not expressing my loss?

Am I more or less fucked up for showing my feelings?

Or

For hiding, suppressing, denying them?

Am I more fucked up for sitting in a lovely restaurant with friends allowing myself the freeing notion that Luke will appear at any second, keeping an eye on the door, in a fantastical denial, that works, all the while I am having fun?

Or

For missing him hard with every bite?

Sobbing is exhausting, but it’s also a release, a soothing, and as helpful as it is, like much in life - you just can’t do it all the time. So I found away to enjoy. But the underlying emotion is still there.