Isolation—Friend or Foe?

Day 889.

Is isolation the enemy? 

I read about the opioid crisis and what can be done.

Isolation is mentioned over and over. I have yet to, but will, ask exactly what they mean when they write about that. So I ponder what that means as I actively seek isolation for myself. 

I come alive when I am around people. To hug, to touch. To share grief, stories. To discuss, empassioned by the ending of stigma.

But in my private, self sought isolation, I can really think, alone at 2:00 am, pencil in hand, with my journal, shrouded by my grief, cigarette in hand, allowing my demons to come, and searching deep into them, examining what shape they take each day.

It is in here that my therapy is done?

So, was Luke isolated?

He was social, very social.

He had many friends, yet nobody seemed to know the full picture.

Nobody seemed to be friend enough to call the little that they knew and seek deep inside to get him help.

Did he hide his full story?…..  as I do?

Is the isolation they write about, just that - that nobody saw deep inside past his social excellence to see what he was hiding?

Enjoying all that was joyous and exiciting about him, not wanting to spoil that by questioning how he was able to sleep so little, and how he was always happy-go-lucky.

Is that what we crave whilst also fearing it?

Is the isolation they speak of actually all about the shallowness of our bonds?

Does that apply to me and Luke?

Allowing myself to be backed off by his temper when I inquired deeper?

“Are you alright Luke?”

“This isn’t like you...”

Trying to keep the status quo I was unable to find a way to talk deeper without starting a row.

My fear pushing me forward and then pushing me back when it was uncomfortable.

Harry Nelson, in his book, calls for us to no longer laugh and applaud when people are drunk and high.

That high tolerances are not a measure of pride, but a possible sign of darker waters.

Is the deep intimacy to make that call, what’s lacking?

As I worry about George at this fulcrum when he passes his elder brother in exact age, the anxiety is high.

The loss of his girlfriend, his grief for Luke, coming down in one instance, is a lot.

The truth is, I cannot prevent bad things from happening to him.

As I couldn’t with Luke.

But what I can do is be here, be available, be ready to talk, to listen and try and soothe the pain that he feels, knowing that I cannot take it away.

Keep the connection, not leaving him isolated, not fearing the intimacy.

Luke may well have been isolated by his need to please. His need to be the best.

Unable to face that he was not truly coping.

But in the same way as my insecurities and hangups were not put there by my family, but by the outside world - maybe that was true of Luke too.

Did he imprison himself? Isolate himself?

As I do.

So what measures would help me in isolation?

Company?

An ear that can endlessly hear my grief?

Someone to talk to at 3:00 AM?

Someone who can tolerate my endless loneliness in my endless grief?

Knowing that they can’t take it away.

The phone rings seldom.

I am invited out less and less, and when I am out and about, I spare the people the pain I feel.

Afraid that it is my fault because I won’t take meds.

The world feels frightening to me.

How do we reach out to end stigma and isolation, tell the truth without causing fear and instead empower people?

We lead by example Sheila!