My Body, My Mind - Divided

Day 760.

The feelings in my body are so clear now. The right side and the left, so divided.

My left side taught and contracted. It is dark and dank, filled with my broken bricks, rusty sharp and pointed and rigid. There’s darkness and deep red.

On this side is rage and violence, revenge and destruction. That side of my face is sometimes numb and twitchy, and I feel I will suffer a nerve paralysis, like a nerve palsy, rendering me with a contortion of a partially paralyzed face. I fear this will ruin my upcoming work, showing the ugly side of what my life has brought. And as I write, it twitches and contracts.

My right side (where I always sense Luke) is blush colored cashmere or angora. Full of light and flowers of pink and white, and scented sweetly with yellow sunlight and gentle movement to and fro. It is this side that is full of love. lukelove. The joy of being Luke’s Mum. The center is defined by a blood-red line that prevents cross-contamination.

In therapy, I was to sit with Luke on my left, for I always sense him in a particular chair. This caused an extraordinary movement in my body as if to have him by my left side would bring the light with blush-colored beauty to that side. So I am literally, physically divided by the two emotions of being Luke’s Mum in life and Luke’s Mum in death. If I am to go forward, in change, I must manifest this love-filled side into my whole being. A way of letting the love lead, a way of manifesting my loss in a positive light, so that I can hear and be heard, and lead in a forward motion.

The pain to be transformed into an energy, that does not contract me but opens me up - expansion in my loss. 

Well, it’s not easy to execute, for the pain has been part of my connection, in death, to my dear Luke. Today, I danced and sang, sobbing, alone (because how else would one do it?) in my living room. 

I reached my arms up to embrace Luke as I did so.

Both tragic and wonderful, I sobbed and smiled and danced. There it is... joy. 

Joy in my grief. Odd combination, and at once, also, maybe the key.

Also, the song I used was from a TV program River, that triggered much. 

But it was the wrong song. I remembered the song wrongly, ……why? How? Maybe it’s a message - this is a trick of my mind. Whatever it is - it may be a key, and so that song (the wrong one) is downloaded into my phone for the road trip when I plan to let it all hang out. Yes! Let it all hang out.

Deconstruct to reconstruct (my face twitches and contracts on the left side as I write, the right side remains serene and relaxed).

The journey of grieving remaining full of wonder... just like the journey of motherhood.