Who am I in the Loss of You?

Day 767.

Finding myself in strange surroundings in Arizona, en route to New Mexico to ride out into the Gila wilderness for six days, on horseback with my Apache guide. I realize that to be in strange surroundings is nothing new.

For the past two years since losing Luke, I am constantly in strange surroundings, because I do not know the skin I am in since losing him.

I see the big dipper, so clear in the Arizona night sky, dick and all. Oh Luke, this was the trip we were once to make, and now I make it alone, but truly alone, for even I am not really here. Without the safety of the familiar, without George and Adam, my sister or friends, I realize that I am not actually here either.

Will this trip allow me to find me? Or even better, you?

I wanted to come alone, and now I feel why. I need to actually find myself.

Who am I?

Who am I in the loss of you?