Dare I Love Again?

Day 551.

Somatic trauma therapy helps. Sometimes because it is explains what is happening physically. The myofascia and how it’s reacting, the complex functions of the Vagus nerve, the solar plexus, and sometimes because it helps me examine the images, for what visuals I have, for what I am feeling internally.

This is what I envision:

My heart is locked in a metal chest - just as the hunter in Snow White was to present to the wicked queen. It is barred shut with a dagger. It is deep, dark red and seems lifeless, and all this lies to one side of my chest, to the left. The halation of the imprint of my heart is pale apricot. This is the spirit of my heart and sits where my heart is supposed to be, performing the acts of human kindness using the muscle memory of what my heart once was.

In real terms, this is how I feel about my functioning. Everything is done by muscle memory from when I was a whole person. Walking, talking, driving, cooking - it’s as if I’m not really present, I just go through the motions as an imprint of what I was. Me and my real heart. It’s safely hidden away in a heavy pewter casket. Protected from further injury.

Will I ever be able to truly love again?

Am I afraid to love? Afraid to be hurt again?

My cousin lost her best friend recently. She knew she was going to die, yet she stood by her through it all, daring to love wholeheartedly, although her dying friend had asked her in the advanced stage of her illness if she would rather “get off here.” Of course, she stayed. She stayed, loving her, right by her friend’s side till the end, even in the knowledge that she would soon lose her. We agreed that it was, of course, better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Tennyson you sure got that right.

I can feel this so true in my love and loss of Luke, but I remain guarded both physically and in spirit. But dare I do it again? Dare I love George and Adam with all my heart ever again? For fear of losing them too.

And yet, I am holding back. Why?

I can’t take another blow - that’s why. One more blow and I’ll be down.

So I see that I have some self-preservation in me - some reserve in order to survive.

In my grief group I see those who are carrying on despite their agony. Some so traumatized they have lost their ability to walk properly, some are so angry they can barely function. And me? Did I lose the courage to love? .....Fuck that!

Off to bed - and tomorrow, the challenge - No! - the resolve to let myself love again. Channeling Luke, blind in the faith of lukelove to fix me. I will return to the one emotion I hold so highly - love, and the capacity to give it - receiving it may be tricky for a bit.

Without the capacity to love, who am I? Love conquers all, but lukelove can move mountains.

This will take some doing - I’d better get some sleep! Ha!