I have been Functioning Better

Day 401.

Yesterday I had an impromptu dinner party.

We had close friends over for pumpkin risotto and poached pears.

I whipped it all together.

No stress. I have learned that ‘no expectations’ means ‘no stress’.

I am released, or rather, is it more that I’ve released myself from my own high expectations?

I can rely on and am used to, my grief not being linear.

I don’t expect it to last. But for now, .....I’m functioning.

Functioning with the dull ache of the loss of Luke, like a background hum, the stone of indigestion in my stomach.

My book is underway. I am busy with the layout, the spelling mistakes. This journal was never meant to be read by anyone, but now I prepare it for just that. I edit nothing. The raw insanity must be published as it was written.

Today, as often, the book brings me to tears. 

Dinner and cinema tonight made me think of Luke. How he would have loved it.

At home, I am watching Mind Masters on Netflix and it makes me think of how I may be to blame. In this series, the minds of the criminals were all twisted by the cruel actions of their mothers. Or at least that’s all I see.

Sarah and I spoke briefly of Luke’s friends yesterday.

She pointed out that with all those people surrounding him - he did not stand a chance. 

A chance of sobriety. 

His death is part of the Russian roulette of the drug use he was surrounded by.

How her words calm me.

How her words help me to see clearer.

But I still struggle with my part in this.

Is my relationship with him just a glorious fantasy since his death?

As I pull up photos of him for the book, I find a photo from his therapeutic boarding school, and I sob. 

I am tired.

And yet I don’t go to bed.

Why?

What is it in me?

I reflect

It’s an anxiety

It’s that dull ache.

That hum

The loss

The missing

It never leaves me.