I Persist

Day 512.

Struggling for connection with anything.

I go out in public but I see less of my friends and my limitations are now boundaries.

I like to stay at home.

I like to entertain at home.

I’m now more comfortable with the thought of company, most days.

The extraordinary effort required to cook or make a cake shows I have no room for flexibility.

(This pen is too slow for my thoughts. Back to pencil.)

But no matter what task I perform, I have to lean in so hard that I can take no curveball.

I am angry at... well what am I angry at?

I am angry that Luke is dead.

All things I do are to make myself feel better, but there’s no feeling better. It’s futile, but I persist.

In the quiet of solitude there is only loss.

I am happy to sit in it.

I reach out to one of Luke’s friends who is struggling in the hope that I may help both our healings.

But it doesn’t bring Luke back.

Do I really want to get over it? NO.