I Need a Day Off

Day 496.

In so many ways, it is disappointing that I’m still writing.

I resist many days and I am unclear why, for it does help, but in another I resist documenting that this hopeless grief does not lift.

Many days I feel the joy about what is good in my life and what is good in my joyous memories. They feel like they are just moments; an overlay of where my heavy loss sits in my soul. I do not want people who may in future feel this to know; that sixteen months in - it doesn’t go away. I am lost in it forever, although I may function from day to day, I am still actually lost.

The protoplasm that is mine and everyone’s life force is still shocked into disfunction. 

Someone who was once based in happiness is now based in sadness.

Yes, I should reach out and have company now, but I have nothing to say, and there’s nothing they can do except distract me momentarily, and what good would that do except bring them down too?

Who wants to do that?....Sit and watch me cry.

This cannot be undone, and right now in this interminable bog - that’s all that would help. 

I just need a day off from Luke being dead.

Not a distraction, but a moment or a day when it is not so.

It’s a secret I do not want to pass on.

I want to write a book with hope and yet there is none.