I Threatened God!

Day 562.

When you have lost a child, the concept that shit happens becomes part of your life.

As I sit here in hospital, in Zurich, with my remaining child in knee surgery, I know that things MAY not turn out alright.

It’s not an irrational thought, for me it’s a true possibility. I’ve lived it. He has too.

We all now know that the unthinkable can become real.

But in the emergency, my inner mother of George is awakened. She can think and function in a way she has not since Luke died.

Somehow I have snapped to, of course I feel the trauma of Luke’s death, and especially now in the risk of George’s surgery and the acceptance that George’s accident could have been worse. But there’s no time or place for that now.

I am present for George and dealing with what he needs, right now. Calm and reassuring and loving. He needs his Mum, and I am, of course, right here. As I always was, but now I am fully here.

I stand alone on the hospital roof deck smoking (yes, this is allowed, there’s ash trays and everything - I am in Switzerland!) and stare at Lake Zurich and the snow capped mountains. I do not pray, instead I threaten God. Through my choking tears I am muttering “Don’t you dare take him! Don’t you fucking dare! If you thought Satan was a problem - I am warning you….. you ain’t seen nothing yet!!” I can feel Luke hugging me from behind and I beseech him to go and be by George’s side, though I know there’s nowhere else Luke would be. The bond of those glorious brothers holding strong, even in death.

He should be done in another half hour. And once again I marvel at the capacity of love. I dared to love George. The same love, a Mother’s love, that brought me to my knees, restoring me and bringing me to my feet, because that is where I need to be, right now, for George. And I am. And I am! I truly am! And this is where I’ll stay.