Memory Roulette

Memories flash around my mind, a series of thoughts and images and feelings in rapid rotation, like a slot machine, and I note that my memories of Luke vary so in age. Memories of when he was small and in equal measure, of when he was grown.

A dear lady at grief group shared that her son who died in 2001 would now be an old man - we disagreed that at 53 he was old. Laughter accompanying our insistence, but her observation that her realization that he had not had the opportunity to be older was noted.

And despite the fact that he died in his thirties, she shared that she still picks up Hot Wheels cars in stores and thinks how her son used to love them.

How he would love this one, ...and so she buys it.

It would later be gifted to a neighbor’s child - but in that moment it is for her dear lost son.

Does my mind scan continuously for memories, and any memory will do? Stopping to focus on this one or that?

Do I do this with memories of George too? Do I remember back and forth over the years with him too?

Or is it that I have no new memories of Luke and so I fish around for what I can find in my memory bank?