My Double Life

Day 668.

As I wrote the date I see that another complete month without Luke approaches. Everyone else has gone to bed, and finally I can begin my other life. The other half of my every day where I sit on the table outside and start my ritual. The ritual of sitting, journalling and chain smoking, waiting for Luke to come home. Whether it is plausible or not, that is what I do.

It wasn’t, in my soul, plausible that he would die - despite the danger of the drugs he took, although, to be fair, I had no idea of the extent of his usage.

And so I am here. Half my day in the present with Adam and George, and the rest of the world, and the other half- smoking, thinking, mindlessly playing futile games on my iPad, listening out for my boy, watching the sky for a sign, waiting... waiting.

In a movie, I’d get a sign, or he’d appear before me and tell me it’s okay to let go. But that’s not happened yet.

I have a double life. Two lives.

They are both my real life, and this is the secret sole life of ‘waiting’ for Luke.

So many hours have been spent here - every night I am in LA I am here. I miss it when I am away.

I need both my lives, but this is my favorite.