Robbed

Day 661.

Losing a child robs you of so much more than the person that you loved.

Their loss takes hostage of all your happy memories and skews them into loss.

Triggered by watching (well staring) at a boy in a hotel pool, so proud of his big splash as he jumped in. The parents attentive, proud and full of praise and love, just as I had been. I had been all of these things, Luke too.

Time moves on and parents continue to adore and delight in their little ones as they become big ones, just as I did.

Those memories, remembering Luke when he was like this boy would once have been happy, but instead, I stare like a psycho woman, a she-wolf who has lost her cub.

There’s no happiness in my heart for my own dear memories. There’s no joy - just loss.

Will this ever change?

Will I ever bathe in fond memories, or will they always be stained by loss?

I had so many joyous memories of Luke as a child, as a young man, but for now they just bring me sadness, deep loss, and agony in the remembering.

He went, and he took the joy of him with him. I am never fully happy.

The realization of this, the tragedy of this, sends me home from a happy scene at a poolside, sobbing and wailing so that I can barely drive.